Yet another milestone without You ~

It's been 8 years since Papa left us, yes 8 long years. I still cannot accept it, and I hardly ever speak about it to anyone except my husband, and sometimes my mom. But in these 8 years there has never been a single day that Papa has not been on my mind, never! I'm too arrogant to accept his departure; its like my silent fight with destiny, I won't accept it, not until perhaps I reach the final years of my own life.

Today I chose to write about it as I'm really happy, truly happy after many years - my little baby sister is getting married (Woohooo!!). Oh how happy Papa would have been. His world was all about us - mom, sis & I. We were a happy family. Papa was an intelligent man; he was an Engineer, he was also a writer, poet, singer, musician, and an artist. Too much talent in one person, very rare. He was a man of few words, and the kindest person I have ever known. Papa gave us a good life, there was nothing we didn't have. Papa never wanted to grow old, he never wanted to retire.....and he never did. I don't think he left with any regrets, he was always content with life.

Papa was quite different from a traditional Indian father - his dream was not just to get us married to wealthy families and happy ever afters, he wanted us to win in life, to have our own identity, to be successful. His expectations from me were the highest; being the elder child that's not uncommon. He wanted me to achieve more than him, do things that he had not done, take risks, see the world, reach the zenith of success.

I still remember our last telephonic conversation - I was at my desk at Wipro. Papa enquired what I was upto and I said 'work'. He replied: "That's good but what next? Have you been preparing for your entrance exams for Masters? You need to score well. You need to top."

I will never forget that last conversation. I wish I had recorded his voice.

I was all of 24 when Papa passed away. I was shocked. Such things only happened in movies but it was happening to me, it was happening to us. I grew up by 20 years on that very day. My perspective about life changed a lot. I became more ambitious than I ever was, and my sole purpose of life became making his dreams come true. It was difficult for me, I had lost my beloved grandfather just few years before that; and now I had lost my father too. My 24 year old self was too fragile to handle it....but I came out victorious.

Papa's departure made me the person I am today - strong, ambitious, fearless. "You need to top" became the main goal of my life. The day I lost Papa I had various thoughts in my mind:
~Papa would not see my wedding..
~Papa would not see my children..
~Papa would not see my sister's wedding...
.....and most importantly, Papa would not see my success

I still remember my sister crying profusely when Papa passed away, I felt helpless for the first time in my life, as if it was the only Maths problem I couldn't solve. As an overbearing elder sis I make sure I resolve every problem my sister faces, but that day I stood still, I felt defeated. I remember my mom looking helplessly at me, she's a very strong woman, but that day she was not. Losing the man you love is an unbearable tragedy. Papa's love for mom was like that of a school boy - it was innocent, pure, and unconditional. His world was all about her, it started and ended with her.

It's an irreplaceable loss, the loss of a parent. All these years I have not been able to come in terms with it. But every time I struggle or feel weak or lose hope the only thing that gives me strength is our final conversation. "What next?"...."You need to top"...

These words linger in my mind and always will. Life is all about the next step, the next challenge, the next big thing. It doesn't stop for anyone, does it?

My silent battle with destiny will continue, I will not accept Papa's departure. I know he's watching me and the family. I can sense he's happy and will be with all of us at my sister's wedding.

Death is never a separator; it's merely an incident.